my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
