My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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