tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
