seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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