I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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