I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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