Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
