i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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