Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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