I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
