You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
