I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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