im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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