forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The power of my boobs compel you
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
