Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
