i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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