Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Drunk is not a location!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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