a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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