My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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