Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
