Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Already got asked if we're dating
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
