genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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