Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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