You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
