Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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