I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
