Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
