shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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