I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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