I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
