True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
