Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
