I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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