I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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