My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize