i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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