I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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