so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
