I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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