So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
