It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
