I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can you bring me the toilet please
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
