I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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