So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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