so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize