girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
