I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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