Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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