I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He? As in you personified your dick?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
