bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i barfeds in our rink
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
babies were throwing up all over the place
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
