So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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