If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
