when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
