jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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