Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
